Tuesday, May 31, 2011

I've decided to start using this photo of myself as my profile photo. Until now, I've been reluctant to show that I've been aging and becoming more frail. I've been hesitant to let others see that I am not in the robust health that I managed to portray for the last ten years.

Last July, during a particularly auspicious astrological period, when Saturn entered Libra at the time of a full moon, a lunar eclipse and grand cross, I started to have some health problems. It was the same time that I saw my Beloved Teacher for our last time in these physical bodies. He himself became ill and left his body on the first of October. That is also my birth date.

Since then, I seem to have a weakening of my body. I am not as strong as I used to be. Maybe it is just leaky gut syndrome or a loss of strength after having shingles. Maybe my will to live is decreasing. Maybe it is transition and transformation time again.

In my life is a partner who loves to photograph my image. He continually takes photos and makes movies of me. Sometimes I wonder if he does this so that he can show younger women that he has a frumpy wife/partner. But in my heart, I know that he loves me and does not see me as frail and sick. He photographs me because he sees what he loves, and he loves to photograph the object of his love. Because of the rash on my face, the puffiness of my eyes, or my tired stature, I want to politely ask him to refrain from taking movies and photos of me, but I don't want to squash his happiness.

In this photo, we are in Big Bend National Park in Southern Texas. It is a few days after the tsunami hit Japan. We are at the Rio Bravo. Just across the river is Mexico. It is a breezy evening and we are walking along the U.S. Border, after having found a cache of hand made items for sale from someone who boats to the U.S. to dispense fork art treasures. We paid six-dollars in cash for a copper wire scorpion, placing our dollars in a glass jar to an unknown vendor.

My partner continued to snap photos of the U.S. river border, the landscape and scenery. We walked together along the river. He asked me to turn around because he wanted to take a photo of me. When I looked at him, I felt so much love for him and I saw his love for me. It was one of those precious moments that I like to remember of being with Michael.


  1. A very candid post. The pendulum swings, the seasons change, and you will be better.

  2. I heard Guru Singh say, in a podcast, that when one looks in the mirror one should simply state, "This is how I look!" rather than attach any judgment to it, such as "I look tired today" or even "I look great." Of course I seldom remember to exercise that kind of neutrality with myself, but when I do it feels liberating.

    I think this photo is wonderful, the light is making you glow with compassionate wisdom.

    As for last July, it was quite a month, that is for certain.

  3. Ah but I LOVE this picture of you. You are truly beautiful, and age and frailty have nothing whatsoever to do with beauty - it is just is.

  4. I'm surrounded by goddesses. Thank you for your presence.